Lights Off, Eyes Open

I survived another sleepless night in my bed.
I survived the ordeal without having to cry or beg.
I guess when this kind of stuff happens a lot,
Your body becomes attuned to the consenquences it brought.

I’ve written a couple of poems about my insomnia.
Though I’ve never really tackled what causes it.
Looking back right now, I think it’s because of my mental dystopia.
A topic I rarely open up to and I’ve hid the reasons a bit.

One of the reason is probably because I’m a mess.
My life is stagnant which makes me angry and pissed.
It might be because I can’t find myself in a state of bliss.
I feel as though I’m cursed instead of being blessed.

Another reason would be my disorganized brain.
My grey matter which brings up nothing but pain.
I try my best to stay positive, optimistic and to think that I’ll someday gain,
The things that’ll make me happy despite my ordain.
But life just shows me that I’m covered in stains,
And that my life is simply a worn-out and rusty chain.

Another one would be my nightmares,
Which creeps up on me when I rest.
They bring nothing but grief and though I give them a fierce glare,
It’s not enough to stop them from their protest.

My nightmares scare me to the point,
That I think it’s better that I don’t sleep in this joint.
I think that when I sleep, one day I’ll stop breathing.
But at least that would be a peaceful way of dying.

What keeps me up as well are my suicidal thoughts.
The thoughts about wanting to kill myself aren’t pleasant at all
And at times, they make me feel so insignificant and small,
That I just want to go to a corner and curl up like a ball.
It’s not an everyday occurence, but it’s something I have long fought.

The morning comes and with it, so does a new day.
Who knows, maybe I’ll end up sleeping sometime today.
And when I wake up, I wouldn’t feel so down and astray.
Maybe I’ll end up feeling okay.

What Would Death Feel Like?

‚ÄčI wonder what death feels like.
I wonder if there’s a sudden rush as if I was riding a bike.
I wonder if it would feel as though I’m floating in the air.
Slowly getting higher as I escape my despair.

I wonder if I asphyxiate as my brain begins to suffocate.
I wonder if I will get relief from all of my grief.
I wonder if I would feel satisfaction for my decision.
After all, I was the one who caused my extinction.

I wonder if it would be painful or if that would depend.
Depend on how I would opt for my life to end.
I wonder if Death would come visit me and take my hand like a friend,
Or if he would grab me by force with no chance for me to defend.

I wonder if my life would flashback through my eyes.
I wonder if I would see again my miserable life.
I wonder if I would witness my struggle and strife,
As I slowly slip away and die.

I wonder if I would finally find the peace I’ve been desperately looking for.
I wonder if it would finally free me from my tormentor.
Or would it only cast me to another place full of horror.

I guess there’s only one way to find out, but I can’t opt out.
Because my death would be a selfish exit and it would only bring pain.
It would only cause emotionally strains
To the people and pets I care for.

I Can’t Take This Anymore

Do you know what it feels to be ripped apart?
Like having your guts turned inside out?
I bet you never experienced the truest feeling of a broken heart.
How could you feel it, when you’re the one constantly dishing out.

Dishing out pain and misery, making ourselves gloomy.
You claim that those thoughts just come out and you can’t control it.
Like the rising tides, for you those emotions are a part normality.
Though I knew you were consumed by your chaotic habits,
I still mistook your insanity as a thing of beauty.

But now I see that this just can’t be.
I can’t live with you and you can’t live with me.
A life with you would only be a tragedy
And I would sacrifice temporal bliss to become genuinely happy.

You see me as the one at fault, you see me as the enemy.
You see me as the one who corrupted your joyful memory.
You see me as the one who caused you so much envy.
You see me as the one who betrayed your trust as a partner and family.

You keep bringing up the past as if those memories could last.
Yet you seem to have forgotten a simple fact you don’t want to grasp.
The fact that you control what your mind entertains.
You can’t control what comes to it, but you can choose which thoughts to keep or flush down the drain.

You keep on demonizing me for mistakes that weren’t even that bad.
You keep complaining about your heartache and that I’m just like my dad.
You keep on killing me with the words you say.
Yet you act like you’re the one who’s the victim every single day.

It’s not like I cheated on you and had sex with someone else.
Oh yeah, I forgot, you’re a scorpio which makes you super intuitive, right?
So answer me this, how many times have I, without a doubt cheated, do you have a guess?
The answer is zero, you poisonous arachnid trite.

Yeah I talk to girls and yes, I’ve sent a text message to a girl with a kiss.
Now I’m not trying to cover myself, but to be fair,
She was my best friend’s nephew and I simply thought of her as a little sis.
It’s not like I had a plan to bang her, like that would be disgusting.
I’d feel like I was having sex with my best dude like brokeback mountain.
But we’re not done yet, oh you still have some flair.
You even took the liberty to say you spoiled my unfaithful intentions as if it was there.

Well now it’s time to shut up girl, I’m tired of your nagging.
It’s time we faced the music because we had this one coming.
We tried to fix it and there were times we thought we could.
But this never ending cycle is the biggest proof that we’re better off alone as we should.

Y U No Let Me Work?!

I lay around the house with nothing to do.
I just finished cleaning the place too.
I lie down idly on an indoor hammock.
I listen to every beat and tick of the clock.

It’s been five months now and I’m still unemployed.
I can’t help but feel like I’m being toyed.
Toyed by fate, it’s clearly playing with me.
It wants to rid me of any opportunity.

It’s funny how things turned out this way.
I thought my life was beginning to be okay.
But alas, the irony is rich where I stand.
I have again been dealt with fate’s cruel hand.

No income to support myself in this lonely house.
I’m just as broke as a dirty city mouse.
No point in complaining
Because that won’t change a thing.
But I do need to rant and vent out my suffering.

So here I am, doing nothing productive.
I miss those days that I was able to give.
To provide for the people I want to help.
But circumstance has deemed for me to live,
A life as a jobless and useless whelp.

Reality Inside A Frame

I want to paint you a picture
Of a boy who have lost his way.
He frantically searches for a trail every day.
A trail that would lead to a better future,
But he is always greeted by dismay.

The picture shows the boy on his knees.
His body is covered by wounds and bruises.
His sunken eyes show he is fatigued,
As he gasps for air while he breathes.

The backdrop shows nothing but trees,
Trees engulfed by darkness.
The ground is covered by blood and feces,
While the sky offers no hope of brightness.

In this dark and damp limbo he is in,
He desperately struggles to survive and win.
But the world he lives in is a cruel one.
A world that leaves him on the run.

Deaths occur everywhere, from here to there.
It is a sadistic world where no one is spared.
A world that offers no help or care.
A world that revolves around chaos and despair.

Does this sound familiar to you?
Do you feel like you’re inside this world too?
Do you feel like the boy in the picture is you?
Do you think the world in the frame is true?

I want to paint you a picture
Of a boy who lost his way.
A boy who could be anybody,
It could be you or me.
A boy who struggles everyday
To grasp a better future,
Only to be greeted by dismay.